All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe, Plus a Burger And Fries

By declaring carbon dioxide to be a “pollutant”, the government has said that, in it’s view, every one of us is helping to destroy the planet by the simple act of breathing. And there’s nothing we can do about it ourselves; only the government can save us from our destructive nature. It’s very much akin to the concept of original sin. From the day we were born, we have been harming the planet by breathing. And we will continue harming it for as long as we live. In order to make amends for this fundamentally harmful aspect of human nature, we must all do penance by planting tress, driving hybrid cars, car pooling, making our houses “green”, etc. By doing as the government prescribes in this area, we can be redeemed from our sins against the environment.

Now the government is starting to go down the same path with the food you eat. The government wants to get control of what you eat, in order to save you from yourself.

You see, the government thinks that we eat a lot of unhealthy foods: salt, fat, sugar, meat, fried foods, candy, burgers, fries. All of this unhealthy food makes us fat, clogs our arteries, and raises our blood pressure.

After we get fat, not only are we affected negatively, so is the rest of society.

Big people cause cars to use more gas. When they get on an airplane, the extra weight causes the plane to consume more fuel. This added fuel being burned in vehicles and planes carrying fat people sends out more green house gasses into the atmosphere, increasing global warning.

And what about the rescue squad? They must carry oversized stretchers, another additional cost to society. Doors everywhere have to be made larger. Elevators have to be stronger.

You think I’m being facetious? You think no sane person could possibly be thinking like this? A high level bureaucrat in the Department of Health and Human Services has already made this very argument as to why overweight people are an undue cost to society.

There was a proposal to tax sugared soft drinks, in order to discourage people from buying them and getting fat. But if sugar is bad for us, what about the natural sugar in fruits and vegetables? It’s called fructose, but it’s sugar. Grapes are full of natural sugar. Peaches, pears, plums, apples and others all contain natural sugar. Oh my gosh, don’t dare give your child apple juice; it’s saturated with natural sugar!

People have been urged to eat a low fat diet for decades. It’s easy to go on a low fat diet; I’ve done it many times. And simple, too; don’t eat anything that tastes good.

New York City announced voluntary sodium-reduction targets for restaurants and food makers. It wants to lower Americans’ salt intake by at least 20% by 2014. Yes, New York City; not the World Health Organization, although don’t be surprised if they jump on the bandwagon. The targets are voluntary now, but the next step will be, of course, to make them mandatory. Do you like that crunchy dill pickle with your Reuben sandwich? That’s your government specified salt allotment for the month.

So after we eliminate all of the foods that are going to kill us due to sugar, salt, and fat, what’s left?

I predict that a law will be passed forbidding us to eat anything other than green bean gruel and weed juice. It’s for our own good, you know. We aren’t capable of making such an important decision as what to eat ourselves; only the government is smart enough to make that decision. We should be glad that the wise government is looking out for us in this manner.

An added benefit is that we will become so emaciated that we will breathe a lot less, thus helping to save the polar bears by reducing greenhouse gas emissions.